Do you get a little edgy when someone passes you on the highway? How about when someone is trying to merge and cuts closely in front of you?
What do you think fuels your emotion in these situations? What is really behind your reaction?
Consider significance.
Sociological giants have said that one of the basic human needs is the quest for significance. We are all driven by it in some way.
Think about your interactions with people on a daily basis--even those with whom you have no personal relationship.
What is behind your positive interactions? When the sales clerk goes out of his way to help you, why are you pleased? Because kindness in and of itself makes you happy? Or is it because that sales person knows that if he makes you feel significant you'll come back and buy more?
What is behind your negative interactions? When the person at the drive-thru barely makes eye-contact, doesn't greet you, and is conversing with someone else while waiting on you, why do you get upset? Perhaps, on a subconscious level, we interpret a message from this person as we are not worth his time and attention. Our sense of significance is being robbed!
A Finite Pie
Significance is highly individual. What feeds it for one may deplete it in someone else. However, whatever the specific interaction, we often operate as though significance is in short supply (a commodity) and we must take it from others to fulfill our own need. In the most lost of souls, this manifests itself in constant criticism of others, gossiping, outright rudeness, judgement, biting sarcasm, verbal assaults and passive aggression. Yet, in the economy of significance, these means rarely produce any true feelings of significance in the offender.
Stew in it or Blow it Off
By recognizing our own motivations behind our reactions, we can learn to reframe the situation for what it is and impersonalize it. This skill is important in order to protect ourselves from being duped by a slick salesperson or allowing one negative interaction to anger or deflate us for an entire day.
Perhaps, the person merging in front of us too closely just came from hearing some bad news about their child. What if the person at the drive-thru has had a rough life and is too insecure to interact meaningfully with others. Are these excuses? No. We are not justifying the actions of the other person. Within us, these are ways to understand and reframe our interactions so we keep things in perspective--appropriately moving on with our sense of significance in tact.
The Pitfall of "I Deserve It"
The drive for significance is one human motivation that your favorite retailer is very familiar with. "I deserve it" is something we tell ourselves (or is fed to us) in our quest to feel significant, worthwhile, or good enough. Occasionally saying this to ourselves may convince us to dip a toe in indulgence harmlessly. When "I deserve it" occupies many of our thoughts or drives many of our actions, we're in trouble. Not only does it fail to produce what we expect--justification, worth, and satisfaction, but it also robs us of our self-worth. It is not a net zero saying. We frequently lose something in ourselves by catering to it. In essence, we reinforce our feelings of insignificance. "Well, I'm so insecure that I need this perishable external thing to make me feel better." It's shallow, temporary, and a dangerous place to hang your hopes of significance.
Human beings who demonstrate good character deserve to be loved, cared for, honored, and valued. Things can never satisfy what the soul craves. And significance is never felt by stealing it from others or buying it in a store.
Fulfillment
How do you fulfill your quest for significance? Consider both positive and negative interactions or behaviors. What are some constructive ways you can add to your sense of significance? Hint: often, we get major deposits in our significance account when we selflessly offer kindness to others regardless of whether they deserve it or not--not to be confused with martyred self-sacrifice.
Significance and the Spirit
What if you feel deficient in the area of significance? What if you recognize that behind many of your interactions is a struggle for significance? As you embark on changing your pattern of behaviors, it can be defeating to realize how often and how automatic this clamor for significance really is. Take heart. Hang in there. You're on the right path. Many people find comfort in knowing that their significance is really already a settled matter. A relationship with God answers the questions of significance for many people. The Creator of the Universe desires to be in relationship with you. Who cares about the guy at the drive-thru window?!
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Who's the fool now?
What are you most afraid of? Snakes? Well, I can agree with you there, but there's something else. Rabid dogs? Sure. But our daily actions are rarely influenced by the constant fear of rabid dogs.
Think about your day to day, moment to moment decision making. Is there an underlying fear that influences your choices?
How comfortable are you with "outside the box" thinking? Do you consider unlikely or creative options only when it's acceptable to the group you are in?
I think most of us have a significant fear of looking foolish or having our credibility or intelligence criticized. For some, it prompts them to boast about what they do know. They're an expert on everything, at least in their own minds. Others will avoid speaking all together. And then there are those who feel compelled to shoot down others as a preemptive strike or a diversion away from themselves.
But all of this happens on a subconscious level, usually. We just speak or don't speak, do or don't do, and don't pause to understand what may be going on underneath. In time, we find ourselves far from where we wish to be or need to be and wondering how we got so far off track.
What have you avoided, dismissed, not considered or ignored because of a fear of being exposed as a fool?
Choosing to live well requires us to consider our daily motivations, think about how we are impacting other people, and select the path that is true for our circumstances whether it is conventional or not. Now, this is not to say that conventional ways are always wrong. Simply put, there are times when we must go our own way and trust our gut.
To risk being considered a fool when going against what is commonly accepted is actually character building. It builds strength, confidence, tenacity, and depth.
We tease about the eccentrics, geeks and odd-balls in this world. But who has the last laugh? Bill Gates. Doc Brown. Albert Einstein. Rogue scientists who make discoveries that impact millions. The mom who finds a solution to her child's struggle despite less than satisfying answers from the experts.
Relentless. Unswerving. Committed. Clear. They reap the rewards.
Are you focused outwardly on conventional acceptance, or are you focused inwardly on truth regardless of your community's (family, church, work, club, etc.) commonly held attitudes?
When you're feeling the truth lead you down a different path but you are pressured by the "group think", remind yourself that in the end you may be the one saying;
"Who's the fool now?"
Think about your day to day, moment to moment decision making. Is there an underlying fear that influences your choices?
How comfortable are you with "outside the box" thinking? Do you consider unlikely or creative options only when it's acceptable to the group you are in?
I think most of us have a significant fear of looking foolish or having our credibility or intelligence criticized. For some, it prompts them to boast about what they do know. They're an expert on everything, at least in their own minds. Others will avoid speaking all together. And then there are those who feel compelled to shoot down others as a preemptive strike or a diversion away from themselves.
But all of this happens on a subconscious level, usually. We just speak or don't speak, do or don't do, and don't pause to understand what may be going on underneath. In time, we find ourselves far from where we wish to be or need to be and wondering how we got so far off track.
What have you avoided, dismissed, not considered or ignored because of a fear of being exposed as a fool?
Choosing to live well requires us to consider our daily motivations, think about how we are impacting other people, and select the path that is true for our circumstances whether it is conventional or not. Now, this is not to say that conventional ways are always wrong. Simply put, there are times when we must go our own way and trust our gut.
To risk being considered a fool when going against what is commonly accepted is actually character building. It builds strength, confidence, tenacity, and depth.
We tease about the eccentrics, geeks and odd-balls in this world. But who has the last laugh? Bill Gates. Doc Brown. Albert Einstein. Rogue scientists who make discoveries that impact millions. The mom who finds a solution to her child's struggle despite less than satisfying answers from the experts.
Relentless. Unswerving. Committed. Clear. They reap the rewards.
Are you focused outwardly on conventional acceptance, or are you focused inwardly on truth regardless of your community's (family, church, work, club, etc.) commonly held attitudes?
When you're feeling the truth lead you down a different path but you are pressured by the "group think", remind yourself that in the end you may be the one saying;
"Who's the fool now?"
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Attention Please
Isn't it typical of all of us. You go about your busy life day after day, and then something happens that stops you in your tracks, and you must evaluate where you are. These path altering moments are not lost on me!
I just experienced one last night. I was talking with a friend about a particular topic. To illustrate her point, she told me a story. The story ended tragically with a woman committing suicide over the recent holidays. At the end of the story, I realized I knew the woman she was referring to.
Three years ago, I started a business geared toward growth and discussion groups for women. Sandy, the woman in the tragic story above, was in my first group. She was very recently divorced and seeking to set herself on a positive, new path for her life. Her insights were really amazing, and though many of us were several years her junior she thoroughly enjoyed being together with us as we all sought growth together. Our group was inspiring, uplifting, encouraging, and honored each of us for who we are in our own unique situations.
Unfortunately, we moved and I needed to shift priorities to my family. The business naturally dissolved. Now, relocated and mostly settled, I have begun to slowly renew my business aspirations, or more accurately, the calling of my heart. I am a coach in training focusing on personal development and autism related projects. I have a particular interest in encouraging women and helping them move beyond the things that block them from living a full and satisfying life.
I am also a wife, a mother of two beautiful little boys (one with autism), and a follower of Christ, not necessarily in that order.
In following Christ, I have learned to listen to what my heart is saying to me in these path altering moments. I think of Sandy. I think how ironic and how sad that just three years ago she was committed to drawing wisdom out of her situation, to making something good out of her disappointments. But she succumbed to negativity, saddness, and perhaps someone else's definition of who she was. We were not intended to live like that.
Yes, Life, you have my attention.
I just experienced one last night. I was talking with a friend about a particular topic. To illustrate her point, she told me a story. The story ended tragically with a woman committing suicide over the recent holidays. At the end of the story, I realized I knew the woman she was referring to.
Three years ago, I started a business geared toward growth and discussion groups for women. Sandy, the woman in the tragic story above, was in my first group. She was very recently divorced and seeking to set herself on a positive, new path for her life. Her insights were really amazing, and though many of us were several years her junior she thoroughly enjoyed being together with us as we all sought growth together. Our group was inspiring, uplifting, encouraging, and honored each of us for who we are in our own unique situations.
Unfortunately, we moved and I needed to shift priorities to my family. The business naturally dissolved. Now, relocated and mostly settled, I have begun to slowly renew my business aspirations, or more accurately, the calling of my heart. I am a coach in training focusing on personal development and autism related projects. I have a particular interest in encouraging women and helping them move beyond the things that block them from living a full and satisfying life.
I am also a wife, a mother of two beautiful little boys (one with autism), and a follower of Christ, not necessarily in that order.
In following Christ, I have learned to listen to what my heart is saying to me in these path altering moments. I think of Sandy. I think how ironic and how sad that just three years ago she was committed to drawing wisdom out of her situation, to making something good out of her disappointments. But she succumbed to negativity, saddness, and perhaps someone else's definition of who she was. We were not intended to live like that.
Yes, Life, you have my attention.
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